Another year, another chance to watch fireworks alone.
I'd like to think that I have a good sense of humor about being the perpetually single gal. I enjoy the productivity (and occasional attention) that emerges from heartbreak, I can turn even the shittiest dude into a good story, and hell, sometimes I find my bad luck totally hilarious. I mean, every circle of friends needs a girl like me. I'm a good sport.
But watching fireworks surrounded by snuggly couples is the one thing that still kills me. No matter how much work I do repairing my heart throughout the year, when the booming starts and I have no one to hold on to, it starts to break again.
The first two years were okay... I had a boyfriend who lived far away, but I had this hope that we'd live in the same city someday. Maybe next year...
Our long, roller-coaster break-up managed to coincide perfectly with the summer, so the next two years were spent with legitimate heartache. Maybe next year, maybe next year...
The next two years were super single and surprisingly fun, but the Fourth was always a painful reminder of the few painful parts of singlehood. Maybe next year, maybe next year...
Then last year I had someone! And I loved him a lot! And he ditched me for a party with better food. I spent the whole day fuming, and the whole night sad (and remarkakably cold; it was a chilly Fourth). Maybe next year...
I'm at a loss this year; it's the last summer I will live next to the park and I feel obligated to take advantage of it. However, I'm not sure I can handle Round 8 without letting my bad mood effect my friends. And if the guy who ditched me last year decides to show up this time and ruin another year for me, I'll probably throw my shoes at him or something awesomely drunk like that.
The Fourth used to be my favorite holiday, but this year I'm pretty sure I will just go home, rock a sleeping pill, go to bed and hope for the best.
Maybe next year.
I haven't spent the week entirely depressed; Kevin and Monica had their wedding reception and it was perfect. I want to smile when I write about it as much as I smiled when I was there. So it will have to wait til the 5th, when I'll be fine again. Like I said; it's just the Fourth that kills me. The rest of the year, I find the bright sides, and there are plenty.
As much as I've accepted that love does not exist for me, there is no doubt in my mind that it exists for other people... and I'm so delighted and greatful that it exists for people as wonderful as Kevin and Monica.
I mean, can anyone be sad after looking at that picture? Nope, not even me on the Fourth of July. This picture makes me so incredibly happy. So I'll leave you with that.
The other day my mom told me that Dad was mad at Grandma. (This is an ongoing source of comedy for me and nothing new.) Mom said it was because she wouldn't get him what he wanted for Father's Day. I was sort of stumped about what to get him myself, so I called him.
"Well, what did you want?" I asked.
"Money."
"Money! Money for what?"
"For this charity that helps children of Marines," he said. "If a Marine dies on duty, they'll pay for the kid's college, or health care if the kid needs it."
"Well, that's really sweet," I said, fighting back tears in my cubicle.
"I just figured... your brother used to be a Marine, and now he's going to have a daughter, so it felt like the right one. I thought we could give money to that."
"Dad, I love you. That's so awesome. I'll donate money if you want, but I'm still taking you out to lunch. What's Grandma getting you instead?"
"Steaks." He paused, which meant he was rolling his eyes and sadly shaking his head. "She's giving me a bunch of those steaks again. Psh."
When I even think about how much I love my dad, I start crying... so there's no way I could sum it up here. But this is one reason why.
This - long sidenote - is also why I never call super-religious Republicans "crazy" or "retarded" or generalize them with any other names that us non-judgmental liberals like to use when describing them. And this is why I defend them sometimes, even when I totally agree with you.
Because while some Conservative Christians certainly are cuckoo, there's also a batch of folks like my dad... a guy who bitches about getting a dozen fancy steaks when he could be giving money to charity. Obviously, you don't have to be Christian to have a heart like that... but last year during his triple bypass, he lost even more of his vision and is almost totally blind. And on a day when he gets spoiled rotten and can basically request anything he wants - something he totally deserves after fighting so hard to stay alive and losing something so important and unexpected in the process - all he wants to help a bunch of children he'll never meet.
So while he may listen to you-know-what and will debate me about basically every issue until I go nuts ... he also throws me these WWJD curveballs that most people aren't capable of pulling off. My dad makes me want to be a better person. And also, the fact that he's still here and is so sharp and handles all his struggles with a smile and a joke... well, that's proof that there is a God, at least to me.
But just in case you hate Republicans that much and need further proof that he's not totally lame, here he is with a black eye and a gun, surrounded by angels:

My dad is a total badass.
Happy Father's Day!!!
P.S. Speaking of charities, the Wolfner Library recently updated their technology and would love any of your old flash drives that you have lying around. Wolfner Library distributes books on tape to blind people. My dad has been getting their cassettes in the mail for over a decade (CDs and DVDs aren't tangible enough for people with limited vision). The new media is pretty cool and is very easy for them to use. Plus, I'm sure those flash drives aren't biodegradable. Please send them in, or give them to me to send!
It's been a bit so I'll tell you what I've been up to. Because you've been so worried! And you totally care! I know!
There's a narsty heat wave happening, so I've been home all weekend. (Needless to say, the pink shorts are back.) Luckily, I'm dog-sitting Charlie!! Whee!!! We've been having a ball, although Charlie needs to work on making his "I have to go outside" whine different from his "I will die if you don't let me sit in your lap" whimper. I keep running him outdoors in the heat for no reason, only to have him leap in my arms once we get back indoors, all, "Hooray! Let's snuggle!!
I became addicted to True Blood and gobbled up the first season in about three days. LOVE IT!! Jason Stackhouse is my new main man. I'm waiting to watch the new ones with Jessica and Jen, so don't tell me anything. I don't understand why everything I get obsessed with has to do with vampires. Also, I wish I had known about the Sookie Stackhouse books before my lame Twilight phase; it's basically the same story but in the South and with sex. I am dying to curl up with that series but I have to read...
Infinite Jest. Woof. I'm trying to get a head start on Infinite Summer but UUUGGHHH stream of consciousness? Are you emeffing kidding me? Does anyone know how many pages of that b'shit I have to plow through? I mean, LITERATURE WOO!! I adored the beginning, but man, I read before bed and am sometimes on sleeping pills; this is so hard. Not a book for the bathtub, either.
I took my mom out to see Up. I'd like to think it's revenge for that time she made me watch Marley and Me. Good God. Have you guys seen this? Have you recovered yet? I think I still have a sinus headache from all the snot I produced; yowza.
Sometimes I wish no one read this (though I'm not complaining), or that it was okay to write about dating escapades on the Internet. (It is not.) Needless to say, I need to grabs some Cosmos with my girlfriends (or whatever chicks do these days when they have a bunch of stories about boys). I'm such a Carrie!
Make that a Cathy or a Bridget... I've been on this mission to lose xx pounds and I've lost 5 so far. Every time I attempt this, I get injured, my dad is in the hospital, there's a Fish Fry club, etc. Or I quit smoking and therefore lose my substitute for food? But I'm on a roll and I'm going to do it this time, even if I have to lose a knee in the process.
2 months as a non-smoker. I have survived multiple nights of drinking with smokers which is the ultimate test. This time around, I don't miss it at all.
Did you guys know Sawyer from Lost is the guy Alicia Silverstone beats up in the Cryin' video? I heard that this morning, and while checking it out, I became so nostalgic... this was the soundtrack of my 6th grade love life, people. (Also, I'm so relieved I hit puberty in an era where "cool" meant I could hide in flannel shirts and skater pants if I felt like it.)
That's about it. I'm totally pwning life right now:
Every June 11, Shortcake gets one year older. And every year, I forget to acknowledge it. Well, this is the 5-Year Blogiversary, kids. So it's time for a pat on the back. No no, not my back. Yours.
I usually don't talk about the amount of hits I get on this blog unless it's a big milestone. And I certainly don't delude myself into thinking that I'm remotely talented or well known just because strangers read this. In fact, people on Tumblr and Twitter are so obsessed with their "followers" and pseudo-fame that I've gotten a little grossed out and considered not even acknowledging this little landmark. It's just the Internet, babies. We're all stars here.
But I think it's pretty remarkable that in the beginning, I only had 3 readers (Jen, Ron, and Kevin), and now my life is full of friendships and opportunities that were made possible solely because of this site and the people who read it. It has turned a pessimist into an optimist, and an introvert into a notorious extrovert. It has honestly changed my life, and changed it for the better. And that's not because of me. It's because of you.
I started Shortcake during graduate school. At the time, I told everyone I was procrastinating while I wrote my thesis. But the truth is, I had gotten dumped by a boy who lived on the East Coast, and I wanted him to see how great I was doing without him and remember how witty and incredible I was. I wanted him to read this blog, miss me terribly, and beg me to take him back.
And it worked. In fact, it worked so well that after a week of talking, he was promising to move here. Make up for everything. Start a life with me. The works.
Obviously it was only temporary, and after we broke up again I had to give Shortcake another purpose.* And more importantly, I had to give my life a different purpose because I honestly thought I was going to marry him. Move with him. Have some babies. The works.
"Now what?" I wondered (and wrote to all of you).
The truth is, I still don't know. And so, I'm still writing. For a moment in time, I was on this clear path with a clear destination. Now I'm on this wild detour with no end in sight. But I love all the twists and turns, all the discoveries, and even the bumps in the road. Mostly, I've loved sharing all of it with you:
And so on, and so on, and so on...
~~~*~~~
I feel so comfortable spilling my guts because I know old friends (like Heather, Courtney, J, Pandy, Emily H., Steve and of course Jen, Ron and Kevin) are here cheering me on.
I keep writing because friends-of-friends end up reading this blog, and somehow it grows into real friendships that I value immensely (like with RØB, Janet, Courtney, Charles, Emily, Erin F., Erin T, Josh, Jaime, Sara, Allison, Rob and The Captain).
When talented people I respect and writers I admire (like Andy, Coire, Francis, Stee, Davy, Mort, John N., Ray, Frank and Erik) tell me that that they read this blog and like it, I totally freak out. And when I get a comment like this, I may or may not cry.
I have to give a special shout-out to Ben. He was the first stranger who ever wrote to me to tell me that he liked my blog. I was so fascinated and freaked out by this that I had to meet him. We ate frozen custard at Ted Drewes. Then one day, he sent me this:
That's Beth Grant, the actress who said my favorite movie quote ever, saying it directly to me. That actually happened because I write about my dumb life on the Internet (and because Ben makes movies and totally rocks). That is INSANE.
Since I've linked to half of my archives, I might take a week off. So I want to congratulate Kevin and Monica now for GETTING MARRIED on Saturday! (I might as well link to the comment where Kevin told me he was engaged.)
ALSO: As much as I write on here, my favorite thing I've ever written isn't on Shortcake. It's the last sentence of this.
So... I think that's enough, right? Is that enough to commemorate five years, five hundred entries and countless fantastic friends? Do you have enough hyperlinks to last a lifetime? Have I completely grossed you out and now you're barfing? I hope so. And I love you. Thank you for listening.
*I suppose there's a teeny tiny part of me that hopes he still reads this, and that someday I'll write the entry that makes him come back. But every day, it gets dwarfed by the part of me that is so incredibly relieved that he left, because that's the only way all of this could have happened.

You know you've been watching too much Angel when...
... you're home alone for the weekend and you hear a strange noise outside your room... and your immediate reaction is to matter-of-factly shrug and reach for your bat like, "Oh, time for another fight."
... you watch the new Yeah Yeah Yeah's video and don't even flinch at that guys face.* In fact, he's pretty hot considering the context you're normally dealing with.
... you change your favorite character when one is dealing with the same problems as you, like Cordy's psychic headaches vs. your migraines. You feel her pain. It's totally the same thing.
... you read this post on Perez, and instead of being psyched about a drunk, trainwreck-y fight that's more awesome than sad, your first thought is, "Bitch, don't you be messing with Dawn!"
... you're at a chick friend's house and someone knocks on the door. She looks out the peephole and says, "I don't know this guy." You reply, "Well, just make sure-" and then stop yourself... because you almost actually said, "Just make sure you don't invite them in."
I promise I haven't written any fan-fiction, commented on Whedon forums, or done anything recently that could be considered Twilight-ish. So... we're cool, right? Let's just say if I get cornered in a dark alley any time soon, I'm pretty sure I could take him.
Two more things, below...
Karaoke at Rockin' Gators was super sweet. I won't go into details about why this is the best karaoke venue I've ever been to, but if you want to know RØB outlines the reasons here in amazing detail. My gator was delish. They were out of brains. Sad. We bought Rockin' Gator merch. I wowed the crowd with "Heart of Gold", "Tide is High", "Black Hole Sun" and "Elegantly Wasted". RØB rocked the room with the wireless mic (even wandering outside). Bill stopped by for a couple songs and made all the girls swoon.
The awesome, amazing dudes at Aww Hell Nah asked me to be a contributor. I'm so honored and psyched! There's a button to AHN in the sidebar to the right. Erik or Clinton usually post something daily. I'll post whenever I find something cool. I know absolutely nothing about other-newbie Brad, but again, pretty sure I could take him.
*


Okay so you guys...
YOU GUYS it goes crust and cheese then MORE CRUST AND MORE CHEESE AND THEN
THERE IS CHEESE IN THE CRUST AND IF YOU GET BACON THEY PUT SOME
BACON IN THE CHEESE IN THE CR-*SOB*
Yeah I had one piece and I was so full and now it haunts my dreams in the best way. Plus it is an awesomely comfortable atmosphere. Y'all there was a baby in there and I was okay with that. That was a super fun night that I will post to Flickr soon. I heart Janternet and the rest of the Squids.
This summer (all right let's face it, fall) I'm determined to experience a lot of places in the city for the very first time and I will let you know how it goes. But um, can we get back to the bacon in the cheese in the crust?
So okay dudes, who is taking me back here on a hot date?

Tonight is my MRI. Yesterday it became abundantly clear that I am more scared about this than I would like to admit. But like everything else, there are pals who have been praying and/or giving me peace of mind and I am eternally grateful.
I finally got my light box in the mail and can concentrate on light therapy for my DSPS. Rule number one: POINT IT AWAY FROM YOU when you are learning how to set the timer. IT'S A BOX THAT SIMULATES SUNLIGHT. Not the kind of surprise you want all up in your peepers. I spent a half hour sitting by it this morning and... well, my headache isn't that bad. Related? Who knows. We'll see how I sleep tonight.
So to review - depending on my headache of course:**
Tonight - View images of my brains
Possibly watch episodes of Lost by a campfire
SLEEEEEEEEEP
Saturday - Garage sale
Hula Hoop
Party
Maybe bonfire (with puppies!!!)
Sunday - Squid Exhibition Game, "The Luncheonette Cup"
Reading book recommended by Gage in the park
Charliedoggie?
Monday - Barbecue wiff my besties
New season of Intervention, last DIFC meeting with Erin2.
*I am sitting on a story because I'm not sure if it's mean to blog about it. But I AM sure that it is UNBELIEVABLE and HILARIOUS so feel free to ask me in person. (OMG)
**While I am on the subject of amazing friends, I have a few who have had headaches for years. And while I always sympathized with them, I never realized how truly tough they are because my friends are not whiny little crybabies like me. So yeah... big ups to them. I hope that someday I can be (or at least act) as strong as you.
On Wednesday, I got this really horrible headache. It hasn't gone away.
I went to the doctor on Friday. He did all the standard neurological tests and prescribed things to help, but he threw around enough scary words and warnings that I'm scared to do anything strenuous like running. And wow, do I need to run.
I have to get an MRI on Monday. I can't really afford it. I'm stressed about that.
He gave me temporary steroids to... well, they aren't doing shit except making me emotional and upset and anxious on top of all the pain.
A lot of people have hurt my feelings or crossed a line or let me down lately. But I haven't said much about it because I don't know how much is real emotion and how much is me overreacting from this medicine.
Everything was finally coming together. Things I have spent years or even decades trying to fix were finally under control or even totally better. It's like I couldn't even get one fucking day to feel normal. Not even one.
I'm angry. There's some sadness in there and a lot of loneliness and disappointment. But mostly I'm really angry today.
Even when I am at my worst, I like to make sure you guys are happy you clicked on this blog. So...
When I was sitting in the waiting room at the doctor FOR AN HOUR (ROID RAGE STEPHIE ANGRY RAAH) I noticed a box on the counter that said "Occult Blood." I thought that was rad in a Black Sabbath way. Then I looked closer and realized it said "Fecal Occult Blood." I had to share my emotions with someone so here you go:
Charlie taught me video editing before he left. FIRST TRY! OUR DEBUT! Now you're really in trouble...
I wanted to add serious music cues, like "I'll Be There" by The Jackson 5 and of course, "It's So Hard to Say Goodbye" by Boyz II Men. But I couldn't figure out that part on the first try and Lost is almost on, so you'll just have to deal.
If he was here one more day, I guarantee we would've made a full-length feature.
I miss him already. (He's still in my lap.)





Back when "Poker Face" by Laga Gaga started getting major, may-jah airplay, I said this:
Justsoyouknow, I actually do have an inner gay man on roller skates and I love him dearly. When I tweeted this, I had completely forgotten about the hottest Weir on skates, Johnny. And while my inner gay man on rollerskates is from the 70's and definitely not as fierce, watching Johnny Weir on ice is pretty close to what I'm doing in my head whenever I hear that song:
I know calling this video fierce is pretty "duh" and unoriginal at this point, but... it is. Period. In fact I would go so far to say this is the new second-fiercest video on the Internet, behind only this:
Conversationing, revisited:
Jeff: Fritos make your breath gross.
Stephie: Ha
Stephie: I just ate a ding dong for the first time in years
Stephie: and it was pretty disappointing
Jeff: I just ate a ding dong for the first time in years and it was pretty disappointing - is my new favorite sentence you've ever said.
Stephie: LOL
Jeff: I want that on a plaque.
Stephie: Let's have Debbie embroider it on a pillow.*
Jeff: OMG
Jeff: yes
Jeff: im calling her now
Stephie: hee
Jeff: she's a go
Jeff: bring a pillow in monday
Stephie: Nice
Jeff: This quote is going to make you famous.
*Normally this sentence would be infringing on clam territory, but we are surrounded by people who actually have this in their job description.
Also if Pat had waited an extra week before dumping me, he would've been the proud owner of a pillow embellished with his favorite quote ever, "Pizza? Now that's what I call a taco!" Sucks to be him!
So as you've probably heard by now, Dom DeLuise died. I loved watching him as a kid, but I will spare you from any tributes. I mean, what can I say about Dom that this video of him popping and locking with the Jackson 5 doesn't already?
Did you notice his shoes? My god. Anyway... I would like to pay tribute to a DeLuise, but not Dom. And no, not his son Peter, though Peter is famous and quite lovable.
I would like to pay tribute to Dom's middle son... Peter's brother and co-star... and (I swear) my favorite actor (seriously) Michael DeLuise.
I love this guy.
You might remember him from Encino Man ("Shoosh!") or Wayne's World ("Do I frighten you? Do you want me to?"). Hell, you might even remember him from seaQuest DSV, where he had gills and swam underwater and hung out with Jonathan Brandis (RIP). His reel is a total trip to watch:
However, I first fell in love with Michael on his premiere episode of 21 Jump Street as Officer Joey Penhall, real-life and onscreen brother of Officer Douglas "Doug" Penhall. It was an episode titled "Brothers". And in this episode Joey does something that, in my opinion, is the sexiest thing a character can do on a television show:
He went undercover and joined a religious cult. SWOON!
This is the cult: 
I don't think you guys understand how much I love episodes of any TV show (even Matlock) where people join a cult. After that, I was done for. Totally hooked. I promise there was a month or two in the 90's where my goal was to marry him. I mean, I liked watching him on seaQuest more than Brandis. And Brandis was king!
Michael DeLuise is sexy and hilarious, and to this day he manages to appear out of nowhere in my favorite shows, like Lost. I will never be the type of girl who makes a tribute video of him and his brother set to "Look Through My Eyes" by Phil Collins (or leave a comment about how the video makes me cry OH MY GOD WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE), but dammit if he doesn't deserve a blog entry. I love you Michael DeLuise.
Rather than wrapping up with something sad about Dom, I'll wrap this up with some Jonathan Brandis for Erin:
I swear to god, this is the only Jonathan Brandis video on the Internet that isn't a terrifying German tribute or him dumping DJ on Full House. You have no idea what I went through to find this. Hope you enjoy. Happy Birthday Erin!

