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I Would Rather Have The Metaphorical Ones, Revisited
Another year, another chance to watch fireworks alone.
I'd like to think that I have a good sense of humor about being the perpetually single gal. I enjoy the productivity (and occasional attention) that emerges from heartbreak, I can turn even the shittiest dude into a good story, and hell, sometimes I find my bad luck totally hilarious. I mean, every circle of friends needs a girl like me. I'm a good sport.
But watching fireworks surrounded by snuggly couples is the one thing that still kills me. No matter how much work I do repairing my heart throughout the year, when the booming starts and I have no one to hold on to, it starts to break again.
The first two years were okay... I had a boyfriend who lived far away, but I had this hope that we'd live in the same city someday. Maybe next year...
Our long, roller-coaster break-up managed to coincide perfectly with the summer, so the next two years were spent with legitimate heartache. Maybe next year, maybe next year...
The next two years were super single and surprisingly fun, but the Fourth was always a painful reminder of the few painful parts of singlehood. Maybe next year, maybe next year...
Then last year I had someone! And I loved him a lot! And he ditched me for a party with better food. I spent the whole day fuming, and the whole night sad (and remarkakably cold; it was a chilly Fourth). Maybe next year...
I'm at a loss this year; it's the last summer I will live next to the park and I feel obligated to take advantage of it. However, I'm not sure I can handle Round 8 without letting my bad mood effect my friends. And if the guy who ditched me last year decides to show up this time and ruin another year for me, I'll probably throw my shoes at him or something awesomely drunk like that.
The Fourth used to be my favorite holiday, but this year I'm pretty sure I will just go home, rock a sleeping pill, go to bed and hope for the best.
Maybe next year.
I haven't spent the week entirely depressed; Kevin and Monica had their wedding reception and it was perfect. I want to smile when I write about it as much as I smiled when I was there. So it will have to wait til the 5th, when I'll be fine again. Like I said; it's just the Fourth that kills me. The rest of the year, I find the bright sides, and there are plenty.
As much as I've accepted that love does not exist for me, there is no doubt in my mind that it exists for other people... and I'm so delighted and greatful that it exists for people as wonderful as Kevin and Monica.
I mean, can anyone be sad after looking at that picture? Nope, not even me on the Fourth of July. This picture makes me so incredibly happy. So I'll leave you with that.
Badass.
The other day my mom told me that Dad was mad at Grandma. (This is an ongoing source of comedy for me and nothing new.) Mom said it was because she wouldn't get him what he wanted for Father's Day. I was sort of stumped about what to get him myself, so I called him.
"Well, what did you want?" I asked.
"Money."
"Money! Money for what?"
"For this charity that helps children of Marines," he said. "If a Marine dies on duty, they'll pay for the kid's college, or health care if the kid needs it."
"Well, that's really sweet," I said, fighting back tears in my cubicle.
"I just figured... your brother used to be a Marine, and now he's going to have a daughter, so it felt like the right one. I thought we could give money to that."
"Dad, I love you. That's so awesome. I'll donate money if you want, but I'm still taking you out to lunch. What's Grandma getting you instead?"
"Steaks." He paused, which meant he was rolling his eyes and sadly shaking his head. "She's giving me a bunch of those steaks again. Psh."
When I even think about how much I love my dad, I start crying... so there's no way I could sum it up here. But this is one reason why.
This - long sidenote - is also why I never call super-religious Republicans "crazy" or "retarded" or generalize them with any other names that us non-judgmental liberals like to use when describing them. And this is why I defend them sometimes, even when I totally agree with you.
Because while some Conservative Christians certainly are cuckoo, there's also a batch of folks like my dad... a guy who bitches about getting a dozen fancy steaks when he could be giving money to charity. Obviously, you don't have to be Christian to have a heart like that... but last year during his triple bypass, he lost even more of his vision and is almost totally blind. And on a day when he gets spoiled rotten and can basically request anything he wants - something he totally deserves after fighting so hard to stay alive and losing something so important and unexpected in the process - all he wants to help a bunch of children he'll never meet.
So while he may listen to you-know-what and will debate me about basically every issue until I go nuts ... he also throws me these WWJD curveballs that most people aren't capable of pulling off. My dad makes me want to be a better person. And also, the fact that he's still here and is so sharp and handles all his struggles with a smile and a joke... well, that's proof that there is a God, at least to me.
But just in case you hate Republicans that much and need further proof that he's not totally lame, here he is with a black eye and a gun, surrounded by angels:
My dad is a total badass.
Happy Father's Day!!!
P.S. Speaking of charities, the Wolfner Library recently updated their technology and would love any of your old flash drives that you have lying around. Wolfner Library distributes books on tape to blind people. My dad has been getting their cassettes in the mail for over a decade (CDs and DVDs aren't tangible enough for people with limited vision). The new media is pretty cool and is very easy for them to use. Plus, I'm sure those flash drives aren't biodegradable. Please send them in, or give them to me to send!
Between Pleasure And Pain
It's been a bit so I'll tell you what I've been up to. Because you've been so worried! And you totally care! I know!
There's a narsty heat wave happening, so I've been home all weekend. (Needless to say, the pink shorts are back.) Luckily, I'm dog-sitting Charlie!! Whee!!! We've been having a ball, although Charlie needs to work on making his "I have to go outside" whine different from his "I will die if you don't let me sit in your lap" whimper. I keep running him outdoors in the heat for no reason, only to have him leap in my arms once we get back indoors, all, "Hooray! Let's snuggle!!
I became addicted to True Blood and gobbled up the first season in about three days. LOVE IT!! Jason Stackhouse is my new main man. I'm waiting to watch the new ones with Jessica and Jen, so don't tell me anything. I don't understand why everything I get obsessed with has to do with vampires. Also, I wish I had known about the Sookie Stackhouse books before my lame Twilight phase; it's basically the same story but in the South and with sex. I am dying to curl up with that series but I have to read...
Infinite Jest. Woof. I'm trying to get a head start on Infinite Summer but UUUGGHHH stream of consciousness? Are you emeffing kidding me? Does anyone know how many pages of that b'shit I have to plow through? I mean, LITERATURE WOO!! I adored the beginning, but man, I read before bed and am sometimes on sleeping pills; this is so hard. Not a book for the bathtub, either.
I took my mom out to see Up. I'd like to think it's revenge for that time she made me watch Marley and Me. Good God. Have you guys seen this? Have you recovered yet? I think I still have a sinus headache from all the snot I produced; yowza.
Sometimes I wish no one read this (though I'm not complaining), or that it was okay to write about dating escapades on the Internet. (It is not.) Needless to say, I need to grabs some Cosmos with my girlfriends (or whatever chicks do these days when they have a bunch of stories about boys). I'm such a Carrie!
Make that a Cathy or a Bridget... I've been on this mission to lose xx pounds and I've lost 5 so far. Every time I attempt this, I get injured, my dad is in the hospital, there's a Fish Fry club, etc. Or I quit smoking and therefore lose my substitute for food? But I'm on a roll and I'm going to do it this time, even if I have to lose a knee in the process.
2 months as a non-smoker. I have survived multiple nights of drinking with smokers which is the ultimate test. This time around, I don't miss it at all.
Did you guys know Sawyer from Lost is the guy Alicia Silverstone beats up in the Cryin' video? I heard that this morning, and while checking it out, I became so nostalgic... this was the soundtrack of my 6th grade love life, people. (Also, I'm so relieved I hit puberty in an era where "cool" meant I could hide in flannel shirts and skater pants if I felt like it.)
That's about it. I'm totally pwning life right now:
Go Shortcake, It's Your Birthday...
Every June 11, Shortcake gets one year older. And every year, I forget to acknowledge it. Well, this is the 5-Year Blogiversary, kids. So it's time for a pat on the back. No no, not my back. Yours.
I usually don't talk about the amount of hits I get on this blog unless it's a big milestone. And I certainly don't delude myself into thinking that I'm remotely talented or well known just because strangers read this. In fact, people on Tumblr and Twitter are so obsessed with their "followers" and pseudo-fame that I've gotten a little grossed out and considered not even acknowledging this little landmark. It's just the Internet, babies. We're all stars here.
But I think it's pretty remarkable that in the beginning, I only had 3 readers (Jen, Ron, and Kevin), and now my life is full of friendships and opportunities that were made possible solely because of this site and the people who read it. It has turned a pessimist into an optimist, and an introvert into a notorious extrovert. It has honestly changed my life, and changed it for the better. And that's not because of me. It's because of you.
I started Shortcake during graduate school. At the time, I told everyone I was procrastinating while I wrote my thesis. But the truth is, I had gotten dumped by a boy who lived on the East Coast, and I wanted him to see how great I was doing without him and remember how witty and incredible I was. I wanted him to read this blog, miss me terribly, and beg me to take him back.
And it worked. In fact, it worked so well that after a week of talking, he was promising to move here. Make up for everything. Start a life with me. The works.
Obviously it was only temporary, and after we broke up again I had to give Shortcake another purpose.* And more importantly, I had to give my life a different purpose because I honestly thought I was going to marry him. Move with him. Have some babies. The works.
"Now what?" I wondered (and wrote to all of you).
The truth is, I still don't know. And so, I'm still writing. For a moment in time, I was on this clear path with a clear destination. Now I'm on this wild detour with no end in sight. But I love all the twists and turns, all the discoveries, and even the bumps in the road. Mostly, I've loved sharing all of it with you:
- My first blind date.
- My first gray hair.
- My first real job (and did I bust out a "That's what he said" in 2005? Yes I did).
- Finally falling in love again.
- Inevitably getting my heart broken again (but breaking a few myself).
- Dancing in private.
- Dancing in public.
- Giving up on life.
- Remembering why life rocks.
- The Imagine Rule.
- The Reverse Thomas J.
- The one about Halloween (and the best comment thread ever; way to go gang).
- Getting compared to Carol Burnett by a very hilarious, very drunk man.
- The Secretary General of Cool (who just returned from a Malian village and was the first white man they've ever seen; it never stops).
- Having the official "Best Year Ever".
- Finding Heaven in my hash browns.
- Being sleepless and prolific.
- Being sleepless and totally ridiculous.
- Someone predicting my death.
- Watching my friends basically save a life.
- Remembering past adventures.
- Enjoying new ones.
- Accidentally flirting with my ex's half brother. (*takes a bow*)
- Discovering how it feels to actually grow up.
And so on, and so on, and so on...
~~~*~~~
I feel so comfortable spilling my guts because I know old friends (like Heather, Courtney, J, Pandy, Emily H., Steve and of course Jen, Ron and Kevin) are here cheering me on.
I keep writing because friends-of-friends end up reading this blog, and somehow it grows into real friendships that I value immensely (like with RØB, Janet, Courtney, Charles, Emily, Erin F., Erin T, Josh, Jaime, Sara, Allison, Rob and The Captain).
When talented people I respect and writers I admire (like Andy, Coire, Francis, Stee, Davy, Mort, John N., Ray, Frank and Erik) tell me that that they read this blog and like it, I totally freak out. And when I get a comment like this, I may or may not cry.
I have to give a special shout-out to Ben. He was the first stranger who ever wrote to me to tell me that he liked my blog. I was so fascinated and freaked out by this that I had to meet him. We ate frozen custard at Ted Drewes. Then one day, he sent me this:
That's Beth Grant, the actress who said my favorite movie quote ever, saying it directly to me. That actually happened because I write about my dumb life on the Internet (and because Ben makes movies and totally rocks). That is INSANE.
Since I've linked to half of my archives, I might take a week off. So I want to congratulate Kevin and Monica now for GETTING MARRIED on Saturday! (I might as well link to the comment where Kevin told me he was engaged.)
ALSO: As much as I write on here, my favorite thing I've ever written isn't on Shortcake. It's the last sentence of this.
So... I think that's enough, right? Is that enough to commemorate five years, five hundred entries and countless fantastic friends? Do you have enough hyperlinks to last a lifetime? Have I completely grossed you out and now you're barfing? I hope so. And I love you. Thank you for listening.
*I suppose there's a teeny tiny part of me that hopes he still reads this, and that someday I'll write the entry that makes him come back. But every day, it gets dwarfed by the part of me that is so incredibly relieved that he left, because that's the only way all of this could have happened.
You Know You've Been Watching Too Much Angel
You know you've been watching too much Angel when...
... you're home alone for the weekend and you hear a strange noise outside your room... and your immediate reaction is to matter-of-factly shrug and reach for your bat like, "Oh, time for another fight."
... you watch the new Yeah Yeah Yeah's video and don't even flinch at that guys face.* In fact, he's pretty hot considering the context you're normally dealing with.
... you change your favorite character when one is dealing with the same problems as you, like Cordy's psychic headaches vs. your migraines. You feel her pain. It's totally the same thing.
... you read this post on Perez, and instead of being psyched about a drunk, trainwreck-y fight that's more awesome than sad, your first thought is, "Bitch, don't you be messing with Dawn!"
... you're at a chick friend's house and someone knocks on the door. She looks out the peephole and says, "I don't know this guy." You reply, "Well, just make sure-" and then stop yourself... because you almost actually said, "Just make sure you don't invite them in."
I promise I haven't written any fan-fiction, commented on Whedon forums, or done anything recently that could be considered Twilight-ish. So... we're cool, right? Let's just say if I get cornered in a dark alley any time soon, I'm pretty sure I could take him.
Two more things, below...
Karaoke at Rockin' Gators was super sweet. I won't go into details about why this is the best karaoke venue I've ever been to, but if you want to know RØB outlines the reasons here in amazing detail. My gator was delish. They were out of brains. Sad. We bought Rockin' Gator merch. I wowed the crowd with "Heart of Gold", "Tide is High", "Black Hole Sun" and "Elegantly Wasted". RØB rocked the room with the wireless mic (even wandering outside). Bill stopped by for a couple songs and made all the girls swoon.
The awesome, amazing dudes at Aww Hell Nah asked me to be a contributor. I'm so honored and psyched! There's a button to AHN in the sidebar to the right. Erik or Clinton usually post something daily. I'll post whenever I find something cool. I know absolutely nothing about other-newbie Brad, but again, pretty sure I could take him.
*
Miss Keep Your Distance
I thought I was going on this Redneck Rendezvous to Nashville in a couple of weeks. And Jen recomemnded a pancake place that is supposedly legendary. (Better than Frank's Pancake Wrap? DOUBT IT.) But I don't think the Redneck Rendezvous is happening now. There was this part of me that was like, "Screw it! I'll drive to Nashville and eat awesome pancakes by myself anyways!"
I like having adventures by myself. Don't think I've given up planning my solo trip to Bigfootville in Oklahoma. I think it would be fun to go wander around Nashville alone for the day.
However, I remembered that St. Louis has it's own legendary pancake hotspot (immortalized here*) and I think I might just go there alone to eat some Hot Hash and Holly and read Infinite Jest.
Oh yeah, there's this project going on called Infinite Summer - it's basically an Infinite Jest book club. I'm excited. I found out about it through Erik's blog Aww Hell Nah, which is honestly one of my favorite sites to visit daily. He once humored me by posting a hysterically trippy Osmond video and basically won my heart. Aww Hell Nah 4-Ever.
Speaking of adventures that involve food, tonight RØB and I are hittin' up Rockin' Gators. In addition to karaoke and eating a new asscheek's worth of fried alligator, I may or may not EAT A BRAIN SANDWICH. Sort of titilated about this. Either way, alligator! Yum!
*Since I'm about to reflect on 5 years of Shortcake next week, I'll just go ahead and use this moment to say that the Rumer Willis/Busch Beer Can comparison in that entry is one of my Top Ten Proudest Accomplishments when it comes to this blog.
And Then There Was June
Seriously you guys, 5-Year Bloggiversary! What should I do? I was thinking "The Twelve Days of Shortcake" but I would've had to start it Sunday and I was feeling lazy. Also, believe it or not but I don't think I have that much to say.
Oh yeah, so my MRI results came back and it was fine. Hooray! But I ran a bunch to celebrate and now my stress fracture hurts again. Boo!
My headaches are still there a bit along with other weirdness, but it's slowly getting better. Sort of. I'm trying to not jinx it. I had a scare like this a few years ago and so I totally thought I was dying this time around. Instead, if the headaches come back I get to play "Prescription Pill Yahtzee" until we figure out what causes and/or fixes them.
Still single (and yes, I am as shocked as you. I mean, did you read the above paragraph? I am a catch). But really, there are too many awesome things going on in that department for me to be anything else. Being single is still the funnest.
Planning two, possibly three roadtrips. Heading both North and South. Going to see some people I have missed terribly. Going to see people who have been surprising me. Going to drive 8 hours at a time (or maybe 4 to meet them in the middle à la Redneck Rendezvous).
Kevin and Monica are getting married in less than 2 weeks. That makes me really happy. Won't be going to the destination wedding, but going to the reception and it should be a ball. SPOILER ALERT I am making their present and I'm excited about that. Also selfishly, I've been working on my fitness and I'm giddy that I have an excuse to buy a new dress.
My parents got new carpet in 3 rooms, so I spent the weekend carrying over 30 years worth of crap from one room to another. Had the opportunity to scan some ancient family photos. Some are over 100 years old! One is my favorite picture of me:
It is exciting to watch the old house take shape, but every time they rip out the shag carpet and linoleum I loved, or paint over a wall that I scribbled on, or replace the counters I used to climb all over, a little part of me dies. I love how excited my parents are to move but I don't want them to move at all.
Speaking of, Saturday was the last time I'll see Janet and Peter for a while. It was a sad moment, made even sadder by the horrifically shitty band that was playing (the lead singer had finger cymbals. FINGER CYMBALS!! And then they played reggae nooooo). At least it was sandwiched by Mustardfish and Superfun Yeah Yeah Rocketship - they are both my kind of silly.
Even though Bill and RØB and Charles and all those dudes are awesome, I immediately felt awkward after Janet left, like she was the reason I felt like I fit in with that crowd. I'll still Squid it, though. I'm finally taking RØB up on that ROCKIN' GATORS invitation this Thursday so that should be tight.
I've been recycling/pitching/donating a lot of my belongings. It's purging season for sure. I've also purged a lot of people from my life, and while I probably won't write about most of it, I have to say it feels good. That's just a necessary part of life, and with crap like Facebook and Myspace, you tend to forget about that step. Just because you can keep in touch with someone forever doesn't mean that you should. From now on if I have a number saved in my phone, I want it to mean something, even if it's an old friend I talk to once a year.
While it feels great to cut those people out, it still reminds me why I needed to in the first place and that sucks. I need my foot to get better soon so I can run and forget about it again.
Dog-sitting Charlie again this week, which obviously makes everything perfect.
Things are looking up. I'm determined to have a good summer this time around, no matter what.
My Super Sweet Black Thorn Pub Review
Okay so you guys...
YOU GUYS it goes crust and cheese then MORE CRUST AND MORE CHEESE AND THEN
THERE IS CHEESE IN THE CRUST AND IF YOU GET BACON THEY PUT SOME
BACON IN THE CHEESE IN THE CR-*SOB*
Yeah I had one piece and I was so full and now it haunts my dreams in the best way. Plus it is an awesomely comfortable atmosphere. Y'all there was a baby in there and I was okay with that. That was a super fun night that I will post to Flickr soon. I heart Janternet and the rest of the Squids.
This summer (all right let's face it, fall) I'm determined to experience a lot of places in the city for the very first time and I will let you know how it goes. But um, can we get back to the bacon in the cheese in the crust?
So okay dudes, who is taking me back here on a hot date?
Beer Brat City
Man, Janternet always has the best parties and I'm sad that Saturday was the last one (at least in Soulard - someday I will visit her in Portland on my way to the Big Trees). She had a sweet garage sale and then a barbecue with a lots of folks I adore.
Best party activity ever: watching late-Seventies Encyclopedia Britannica safety videos on a 16mm projector outside on a beautiful summer night. These were hysterical. The one about poison was the funniest but I only captured a bit of the pedestrian-themed video (titled "Dead Right"):
Oh, we also watched the triiiiiiipiest Italian animated short. Does anyone know the name of it? I think my friends Joe and Katie would love it.
On Friday I had the MRI (which will be a cool thing if the results are okay and the bill doesn't bankrupt me). Won't know anything for a while - that's the beauty of getting a test right before a holiday weekend - but I've been feeling slightly better and that's a relief.
I was scared about the MRI but a gChat pal assured me that it would be cozy and okay. I sort of alternated between feeling all right and freaking out. The atmosphere and creepy buzzing sounds made me feel like I was in a Dharma Initiative experiment, but whatever. I'm just glad I kept my eyes closed until the very end.
Saturday night I couldn't fall asleep and made the best of it by doing tons of chores and watching at least a season's worth of Angel on the DVR in the process.* I was planning on writing a monster blog or two on Sunday but blog-city was down.
So instead, I updated the hell out of my Flickr. Here's pictures and stories about new stuff, and pictures of my ceramics. Also, Frank & Erik used the intro Davy recorded on their latest episode and you can hear me drunk giggling in the background like a total nerd.
Speaking of writing a monster blog (and being a nerd): My 5-Year Blogiversary is coming up! What should I do? Any ideas?
Monday was fun; Jen and Ron had a barbecue and some of my favorite couples were there. This was the first time I've seen Tyler since he's been back. I've been avoiding him because I associate him with Pat and I thought it would bum me out. But I realized if he reminds me of anyone, it's TSGoC. I would love to hear a conversation between those two. Mostly I just think, "Tyler = awesome Kubb Captain and overall nice guy."
Oh yeah, Kubb/Koob rocks and I am actually decent at it. But it started raining out of nowhere and I immediately dashed inside and abandoned my team; sorry friends.
Afterwards I went over to Erin's for Intervention. Usually I don't make fun of the subjects of Intervention, but this kid blamed his addiction on being adopted. I'm adopted and that shit really annoys me ("I got taken out of poverty and thrown into a loving, wealthy family boohoohoo...") and Candy agreed with me and is ALSO adopted so I was excited for that verbal smackdown.
Oh and Gabe's bangs?
Make him look like the lost member of DeBarge:
All he needed was one of those little dangly cross earrings. So great. Also Graham made us dinner and I got a final beer brat to punctuate the holiday weekend. Good stuff, my friends. Goooood stuff.
I got about 2 hours of sleep last night, which means I'm allowed to eat a Majic Market gyro for dinner. It's just a rule I have. I love my rules.
THEN - Top Secret Mission.
THEN - Getting drunk with Squids feat. Janternet at the Black Thorn. Can't wait.
*Last summer I coped with all my Dad's surgeries by watching Buffy, so I figured it wouldn't hurt to cope with my problems by watching Angel. I'm new to a lot of these episodes so it's tons of fun and takes the pain away. Joss is Boss.
Once Was Lost, Now I'm Found
The first Wednesday after a Lost finale usually feels pointless and empty, but the Found Magazine show was a nice fix. I'm having a brief moment of painlessness, so I'll write this while I can. I'm starting to understand that these moments might not be "back to normal", but rather a short lapse that I should take full advantage of. Okay, wah wah wah. On to fun stuff:
WOOOO Found show! I got there early to help Davy and Peter set up. Davy was rad enough to put me on the guest list, so I brought the fab Rocket Queen (author of the RFT's Local Blog 'O The Week; way to go!) as my plus one.
This guy named Mike showed up super early as well - I actually met him during the last Found event at Mad Art. Stag Row 4-Ever! The three of us mostly sat around drinking and talking when we weren't doing arts and crafts for Davy. Fun stuff. Also in attendance was Shortcake All-Star commenter The Captain! Party!
This is the third time I have seen their show, so I'm starting to enjoy it in the same way I enjoy watching my stand-up comedian friends perform - it's more about the delivery and the reaction than the joke itself. I get a kick out of observing that part. BUT there was tons of new stuff too. Davy keeps getting funnier and Peter's voice gets more incredible every time I see them.
We helped the Mad Art folks put everything away and then a few of us went out to a bar in Soulard. Davy and I got to hang out for a bit and it was much needed. Even though he has such a crazy lifestyle and has to adjust to new places and people on a daily basis, he has this unique warmth and ability to make everyone feel special and significant... like it's more of an honor for him to hang out with you than for you to hang out with him. His brother has that gift, too.
And I guess... well, there's a lot of crap going on with me, both health and friend-wise.* So crossing paths with a friend like Davy was something that I have desperately needed. And having an awesome fun new friend like Erin is something that I've needed, too. That night, my head didn't hurt at all and I felt this safety and confidence that I haven't felt in months. It was probably because of all the laughter (and a little bit from the booze)... but I have a feeling that the friendships played a huge role, too.
Speaking of friends, two of my favorites are moving soon - Janet and Erin T. Janet obviously totally rocks. And Erin T. doesn't know this, but last summer when things were totally scary and crazy, she played an enormous part in keeping me sane. If she wants to know how then I will tell her, but it meant so much to me that blogging about it feels... cheap? But yeah, I am going to miss both of those girls a lot. Their goodbye parties are on the same day. One involves a garage sale and hula hooping, the other involves camping and boys I used to date. GUESS WHICH ONE I WILL BE ATTENDING. Obviously it is not personal.
Tonight is my MRI. Yesterday it became abundantly clear that I am more scared about this than I would like to admit. But like everything else, there are pals who have been praying and/or giving me peace of mind and I am eternally grateful.
I finally got my light box in the mail and can concentrate on light therapy for my DSPS. Rule number one: POINT IT AWAY FROM YOU when you are learning how to set the timer. IT'S A BOX THAT SIMULATES SUNLIGHT. Not the kind of surprise you want all up in your peepers. I spent a half hour sitting by it this morning and... well, my headache isn't that bad. Related? Who knows. We'll see how I sleep tonight.
So to review - depending on my headache of course:**
Tonight - View images of my brains
Possibly watch episodes of Lost by a campfire
SLEEEEEEEEEP
Saturday - Garage sale
Hula Hoop
Party
Maybe bonfire (with puppies!!!)
Sunday - Squid Exhibition Game, "The Luncheonette Cup"
Reading book recommended by Gage in the park
Charliedoggie?
Monday - Barbecue wiff my besties
New season of Intervention, last DIFC meeting with Erin2.
*I am sitting on a story because I'm not sure if it's mean to blog about it. But I AM sure that it is UNBELIEVABLE and HILARIOUS so feel free to ask me in person. (OMG)
**While I am on the subject of amazing friends, I have a few who have had headaches for years. And while I always sympathized with them, I never realized how truly tough they are because my friends are not whiny little crybabies like me. So yeah... big ups to them. I hope that someday I can be (or at least act) as strong as you.
'Roid Rage
On Wednesday, I got this really horrible headache. It hasn't gone away.
I went to the doctor on Friday. He did all the standard neurological tests and prescribed things to help, but he threw around enough scary words and warnings that I'm scared to do anything strenuous like running. And wow, do I need to run.
I have to get an MRI on Monday. I can't really afford it. I'm stressed about that.
He gave me temporary steroids to... well, they aren't doing shit except making me emotional and upset and anxious on top of all the pain.
A lot of people have hurt my feelings or crossed a line or let me down lately. But I haven't said much about it because I don't know how much is real emotion and how much is me overreacting from this medicine.
Everything was finally coming together. Things I have spent years or even decades trying to fix were finally under control or even totally better. It's like I couldn't even get one fucking day to feel normal. Not even one.
I'm angry. There's some sadness in there and a lot of loneliness and disappointment. But mostly I'm really angry today.
Even when I am at my worst, I like to make sure you guys are happy you clicked on this blog. So...
When I was sitting in the waiting room at the doctor FOR AN HOUR (ROID RAGE STEPHIE ANGRY RAAH) I noticed a box on the counter that said "Occult Blood." I thought that was rad in a Black Sabbath way. Then I looked closer and realized it said "Fecal Occult Blood." I had to share my emotions with someone so here you go:
Jason saw this and said, "you're my very own Liz Lemon." That makes me smile. And he is giving me a pep talk right now for some of the stuff I am raging about. Jason is the best.
It's sunny and breezy outside, so I am going to attempt to take a walk.
OMFG Guess What We Did
Charlie taught me video editing before he left. FIRST TRY! OUR DEBUT! Now you're really in trouble...
I wanted to add serious music cues, like "I'll Be There" by The Jackson 5 and of course, "It's So Hard to Say Goodbye" by Boyz II Men. But I couldn't figure out that part on the first try and Lost is almost on, so you'll just have to deal.
If he was here one more day, I guarantee we would've made a full-length feature.
I miss him already. (He's still in my lap.)
It's How I Be Bein'
You guys, I was so sleep-deprived last week that I forgot to tell you - a dog bit me! Hard! Agh!
I was running on my usual route a couple miles away from home, and I was passing a little old lady working in her garden. All of a sudden a dog appeared out of nowhere and started running alongside me. Usually when that happens, they go away if you ignore them, but not this guy.
I will spare you a picture of the actual wound (and flash photography of my thigh - you're welcome) but yeah. Totally chomped my leg. It's almost healed, but last week it looked like a vampire bite surrounded by a baseball-sized bruise.
I called the lady later (like I would stick around, nuh UH) and she was really cool. Apparently the dog belonged to her husband, and ever since the husband passed away, the dog has been uber-protective of her. I thought that was so sweet and I hung up the phone feeling more sorry for that poor dog than myself.
I was really shook up after the bite, so I started running on the track again. This turned out to be beneficial in a lot of ways - the softness of the track doesn't bother my stress fracture at all, and honestly a track makes running feel more like training. I'm up to 4 miles every time I run. I want to get to the point where I run 6 miles in an hour, at least 5 times a week. Whenever I run that much, I sleep so much better and lose any weight that I've been trying to lose in a matter of weeks.
Plus - NEWSFLASH: running is totally easy when you don't smoke. I forgot how good that feels. From now on if you see me at the track, I mean business.
It's officially been 3 weeks since I quit smoking and I've only had one really bad craving. I'll drink a beer or two every now and then, but I'm trying very hard to not get drunk around smokers. I should ask Janet if she knows of any sites that list non-smoking bars around STL. I need to go out soon.
Oh ooh - I did go out the other day; Bill invited me to an encore of that This American Life live show that I wanted to see. Hooray! Watching Ira Glass do his thing was pretty amazing; I didn't expect it to feel so much like art. Mike Birbiglia and Starlee Kine were hilarious as always, Dan Savage was (emotionally) touching, and Joss Wheadon was Joss Whedon!!!! Squee!!!
Afterwords Bill and I hung out and that was pretty fun; it was nice to talk to someone whose life is evolving in the same direction as mine. I've gotten to this point where I completely forgot what it's like to have something in common with people. Bill is a cool guy. Good times.
Things are fun in my windowsill:
there have been astonishing developments in Plantasia:
and Round 2 of the Pepper Plant incubator is successful. Let's see if I can re-pot these guys without a mass suicide Jonestown hoedown. (Round 1 was... unfortunate.)
At least my original Pepper Plant is kicking ass. I really want to give away some seedlings; I like how all my friends own various generations of Katie and Joe's Pepper Plant.
I've been dog-sitting Charlie for almost a week and he hasn't left my lap this entire time. I have like 20 stupid videos of him that you will probably be subjected to eventually (like such as ). I'm starting to understand how people get to that point where they dress dogs in clothes and push them around in baby strollers or whatever. I love Charlie the exact same way my Grandma loves me. Just kisses and meatytreats and staying up past his bedtime and daily trips to the park. I even let him chase a duck! I am going to cry so hard when Dan takes him away tonight.*
AAND... DSPS light therapy. We'll see. This is a whole new frontier for me; I may have to slowly detox off of the sleeping pills. But I'm excited. I've realized that I probably slept perfectly in London because that WAS my exact sleep clock - 6 hours ahead of yours. What a magic solution. Can I go back?
Does anyone know where I can buy a sleep mask? I have to become one of those people now. I want something ridiculous. OOH!!! Maybe I can make a new sewing project for Totally Stitchin!!! Courtney, would you like to help me make a sleepy mask? That would be so fun!!
Good times, they are a-brewin'. I've got more things cooking but I'm saving them for later.
*Seriously, losing Charlie AND Lost on the same day is like the meanest combination of doo doo that the unIverse could fling at me.
Oh My My, Oh Hell Yes, I've Got A Case Of DSPS
A while ago, Ra was hanging out with this guy who totally creeped me out. I used to call her and lecture her about why she needed to stay away from him. Point #215: this guy has been to Iraq five times. I wanted to tell her that he probably has raging Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD.
But what came out, in a horrified "mom-voice" shriek with a dash of Missouri twang, was "Raaaa! He could have PSDS!!" Say it out loud. You will probably giggle as much as she did. It just sounds silly. Well...
I finally sucked it up and went to an actual Sleep Institute today, and guess what: I don't have insomnia. I actually have something called Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome. Yes, DSPS. It means my circadian rhythm (body clock) runs about five hours later than yours - like living with permanent jet lag. There are things I can do to keep it in check, but I have to be really disciplined about bedtimes, light therapy, melatonin, etc.
Apparently, the majority of DSPS cases are initially misdiagnosed as chronic or onset insomnia. I actually studied DSPS in college and was fairly informed about all sleep disorders, but I had always assumed that DSPS was a temporary condition, or just a fancy nickname for jet lag itself. I didn't believe the doctor at first but the DSPS Wikipedia page seriously reads like my diary. And while the diagnosis sucks, you've already heard me complain about trying virtually every insomnia treatment. At least now I know why none of them worked and I can go to bed a little more hopeful.
Ra is in town for the first time in years. This is the girl I honed all my bad habits with. She has a son now. Maybe between her baby and my new self-discipline, we can stay out of trouble this week. Either way, it's bound to get interesting. I can't wait to tell her I have DSPS.
As If I Were A Shoelace
Every now and then a song sneaks up on me and kicks me in the ass (or rather, the ass of my heart):
I haven't thought about that situation in a while, without even trying. It was becoming a non-issue despite the propinquity and I liked that. To be honest, I wasn't prepared to be in this mood again at all. I wish he could hear this. It's really hard to avoid songs that make me feel like this when they are so beautiful.
Since we're on the topic of gorgeous memory-provoking Swedish music with eerily-correct lyrics, here's one more:
So pretty. Seriously, what is up with me and Swedish music? Every time I dig something on Pig Radio, it's from Sweden.
All In The Family
Back when "Poker Face" by Laga Gaga started getting major, may-jah airplay, I said this:
Justsoyouknow, I actually do have an inner gay man on roller skates and I love him dearly. When I tweeted this, I had completely forgotten about the hottest Weir on skates, Johnny. And while my inner gay man on rollerskates is from the 70's and definitely not as fierce, watching Johnny Weir on ice is pretty close to what I'm doing in my head whenever I hear that song:
I know calling this video fierce is pretty "duh" and unoriginal at this point, but... it is. Period. In fact I would go so far to say this is the new second-fiercest video on the Internet, behind only this:
Not since Sam and Lindsay on Freaks and Geeks have I been so proud of my heritage. I might have to hyphenate my name if I get married because of this hotness.
Well, I Was Underwhelmed
Conversationing, revisited:
Jeff: Fritos make your breath gross.
Stephie: Ha
Stephie: I just ate a ding dong for the first time in years
Stephie: and it was pretty disappointing
Jeff: I just ate a ding dong for the first time in years and it was pretty disappointing - is my new favorite sentence you've ever said.
Stephie: LOL
Jeff: I want that on a plaque.
Stephie: Let's have Debbie embroider it on a pillow.*
Jeff: OMG
Jeff: yes
Jeff: im calling her now
Stephie: hee
Jeff: she's a go
Jeff: bring a pillow in monday
Stephie: Nice
Jeff: This quote is going to make you famous.
*Normally this sentence would be infringing on clam territory, but we are surrounded by people who actually have this in their job description.
Also if Pat had waited an extra week before dumping me, he would've been the proud owner of a pillow embellished with his favorite quote ever, "Pizza? Now that's what I call a taco!" Sucks to be him!
SHOOOSH! - A Different DeLuise Tribute
So as you've probably heard by now, Dom DeLuise died. I loved watching him as a kid, but I will spare you from any tributes. I mean, what can I say about Dom that this video of him popping and locking with the Jackson 5 doesn't already?
Did you notice his shoes? My god. Anyway... I would like to pay tribute to a DeLuise, but not Dom. And no, not his son Peter, though Peter is famous and quite lovable.
I would like to pay tribute to Dom's middle son... Peter's brother and co-star... and (I swear) my favorite actor (seriously) Michael DeLuise.
I love this guy.
You might remember him from Encino Man ("Shoosh!") or Wayne's World ("Do I frighten you? Do you want me to?"). Hell, you might even remember him from seaQuest DSV, where he had gills and swam underwater and hung out with Jonathan Brandis (RIP). His reel is a total trip to watch:
However, I first fell in love with Michael on his premiere episode of 21 Jump Street as Officer Joey Penhall, real-life and onscreen brother of Officer Douglas "Doug" Penhall. It was an episode titled "Brothers". And in this episode Joey does something that, in my opinion, is the sexiest thing a character can do on a television show:
He went undercover and joined a religious cult. SWOON!
This is the cult: 
I don't think you guys understand how much I love episodes of any TV show (even Matlock) where people join a cult. After that, I was done for. Totally hooked. I promise there was a month or two in the 90's where my goal was to marry him. I mean, I liked watching him on seaQuest more than Brandis. And Brandis was king!
Michael DeLuise is sexy and hilarious, and to this day he manages to appear out of nowhere in my favorite shows, like Lost. I will never be the type of girl who makes a tribute video of him and his brother set to "Look Through My Eyes" by Phil Collins (or leave a comment about how the video makes me cry OH MY GOD WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE), but dammit if he doesn't deserve a blog entry. I love you Michael DeLuise.
Rather than wrapping up with something sad about Dom, I'll wrap this up with some Jonathan Brandis for Erin:
I swear to god, this is the only Jonathan Brandis video on the Internet that isn't a terrifying German tribute or him dumping DJ on Full House. You have no idea what I went through to find this. Hope you enjoy. Happy Birthday Erin!